Okay, here's the deal. You (and when I say "you", I mean me) have a choice. You can either hold on to an ideal and be sad and angry and waste all sorts of energies mourning the loss of what was never to be. You can fight to the figurative death trying to get a square peg into that round hole. Or you can embrace what is concrete and have gratitude for the way that it is... right now. That is the ultimate in "letting go". I'm not very good at this. I will get better at it.
I had a great weekend. For the first time in probably 10 years, I was alone in my home. And I mean alone. Okay, the cats were still here, but that's it. Mark took the kids to Missouri to visit relatives. This was a trip we had planned before I got the news about my cancer. So, we decided they should still go. I do not feel the least bit guilty in saying this...I love my family, and I wouldn't want this for an extended period of time, but being alone was glorious! I woke leisurely, ate what and when I wanted, watched horribly bad television, visited with friends, chatted on the phone...it was heavenly. It was like being at a spa, but sleeping in your own bed. Perfection. The best recipe for recuperation I could have conjured up! I turned HUGE corners in getting better this weekend. Thank you.
However, the one thing you have to be careful of when dealing with someone that has a life-threatening illness...don't let them think you can get along without them! Seriously, the last thing I need to know is that you all will all be perfectly okay if I wasn't in your life! So, when Mark did fabulously this weekend as a single parent, I had a nervous breakdown! You must let me think you are function just well enough so I don't worry, but not so well that I'm insulted! Go ahead...walk THAT tightrope! I never said this ride would be without bumps!
Speaking of bumps...I hope I have a nice head shape. (How about that for a transition!) I spent some of my "alone" time researching chemo hair loss. Who knew my head is going to get cold at night so I need a sleeping cap? I really think I'm okay with all of the baldness issues. I happen to be able to rock hats. I have decided I will not be doing any Norma Desmond turbans though. They are just not my thing. Hats. Lots of different hats. My mother in law is an amazing knitter, so she's going to hook me up with some cool ones. That's very exciting. I must admit the process is a bit fascinating to me. Maybe that's the 20 years of hairstyling coming through. I'll keep you posted.
So, as I look into the next couple of weeks getting ready to start chemo, I will be working on letting go (of hair and expectations) and I will be embracing and accepting what is. I'll let you know how it goes...
You know, if I knew I was going to be losing all of my hair, I'd try out all of the hairstyles I've always wanted to try, but been afraid to take the plunge. Maybe a pixie cut followed by a mohawk? And I would definitely dye it bright pink or blue or something beyond fun...
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you were able to recoup this weekend. I'll have to tell you how our Minneapolis adventure went soon -- but the hint is that it was no relaxing. At all.